Finding More Joy

Yes, even in today's world...

Joy. When every day we read and hear about and maybe even witness dreadful, horrifying, tragic events, feeling joy, or even talking about it, can seem insensitive or somehow disloyal.

Photo by Louis Galvez on Unsplash

I beg to differ.

Yes, we can–and I think should–acknowledge the existence of awful things, and we can do what we are able to help, with time or money or skills.

And then, when we’ve done what we’re able to support the forces of good in the world, I truly believe that it is an error to continue to turn away from joy out of some misplaced sense that our feeling bad will make things better.

Allowing ourselves to be pulled into a continuous cycle of anger, fear, depression and anxiety by world events, or by negative events in our own lives, helps no one. It doesn’t help those who are in pain or being unfaired-against. It doesn’t help those around us. And it certainly does not help us.

Mahatma Gandhi famously said “be the light you want to see in the world.” And experiencing joy fills you with light, that then shines out into the world as a reminder and an example.

What is Joy?

Let’s start by looking at what joy is. I’m a big fan of definitions: if we’re talking about something, let’s make sure we’re talking about the same thing.

The Oxford Dictionary defines joy as “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness,” but that doesn’t quite capture it for me. In conversation with my dear husband recently, we came to the conclusion that for us, joy has three core elements: contentment, appreciation, and enthusiasm.

When I feel joy, I am satisfied in that moment: I feel content. When I feel joy, I’m grateful; I have a sense of being fortunate in many ways: I feel appreciative. When I feel joy, I am excited to be alive and glad to be experiencing whatever I’m experiencing: I feel enthusiastic.

OK: if we go with that definition, I would say that joy is my very favorite state of being, and the one from which I most want to operate. And, in fact, I find it’s the state in which I am most effective - in which I am able to be at my best and do and say the things that are most important to me. It’s also the state from which I have the most positive impact on people around me and on the world.

How to feel joy in this so-often unjoyful world

So, if we’re agreed that joy is great, and that we can best help ourselves and the world by feeling it…what’s the secret?

I am quite often joyful, and here are the key things that seem to open me up to joy:

- Being present. The vast majority of what ‘vampires’ my joy is my thoughts about the past and future. Thinking about bad things that have happened or that might happen; regrets about past actions; fears about possible future outcomes. Etc, etc. An astonishing amount of our energy gets taken up into overthinking things - often things that will never happen, or about which we can do nothing.

I notice that when I am simply aware, without judgement, of the moment in which I’m living, I generally become joyful. It’s like finally hearing a lovely birdsong that was there all along, but it was being drowned out by all the noise of traffic and people yelling at each other…except in this situation, all the noise happens inside our own head.

In other words, joy often bubbles up unbidden when we are simply mindful. Often, when I’m walking around my city of Oviedo, doing various errands, going to meet someone, or just perambulating, and I sink into the present moment - simply observing and experiencing what’s within me and around me - I find myself feeling such joy that I’m surprised it doesn’t radiate out through my skin.

- Removing obstacles. The older I get, the less willing I am to hang out with awful, toxic, or even just negative people. Also, I find myself less willing to remain unnecessarily in circumstances that drain my energy, my contentment, or my hope.

These days, I see those people and situations as being obstacles to my joy. Of course, sometimes you do have to be around them: waiting in line to complete some bureaucratic task and then dealing with the unpleasant bureaucrat who’s in charge of that task, for instance. So, I do that as expeditiously as possible and then try not to keep holding on to the experience afterwards (see “being present,” above!).

But if I don’t have to expose myself to this stuff, I’m getting better and better at saying, “No thank you.” Removing negative people and circumstances from your life also has the added benefit of leaving more space for the great stuff…

- Cultivating wonderfulness. One of the lovely things, for me, about being in this third act of my life, is that I have a lot more time to explore and discover specific people, endeavors, and environments that open me to joy.

Some of those things I’ve known for years. Writing gives me joy. Being with my husband gives me great joy. Being with - or even just talking with - my kids, kids-in-law, and grandkids gives me great joy.

But now that I’m on the lookout for them, I find new joyfields (in other words, mines where joy is the jewel just beneath the surface) almost daily. For instance, today I spent two hours with three Spanish women friends of mine, just hanging out and talking in a café here in Oviedo. The combination of being in the company of three wonderful elders (75, 83 and 90) full of fun, wisdom, sarcasm, and intelligence; doing it all in very rapid Spanish (which feels to me like skiing down a hill that’s slightly too challenging - scary and exhilarating); and feeling their affection for me and for each other —by the time I was walking home, I was nearly bursting with joy.

And then, when I got home, I started playing with making a necklace out of lovely beads I bought in a local shop, using a technique the shop owner told me of - in effect - doing crochet with a metal thread. A quieter but very satisfying joy.

And finally, I thought of a possible solution to a challenge one of my business partners had put before me yesterday. A burst of very enthusiastic joy.

- Giving yourself permission. This may be the most important one, and it goes back to the beginning thought of this post. It’s OK to feel joy. You feeling joyful is not disloyal to anyone who’s in pain or who has died. Your joy is not stolen from someone else. Your joy is a positive energy for you and for the world. Joy supports everything good.

You may have to tell yourself this repeatedly. I encourage you to make it a kind of mantra.

And so…

My dear readers, thank you so much for being here with me. Substack - both writing and reading - has certainly become a joyfield for me, and I appreciate you for being a part of it. And I’d love to hear about your experiences with and of joy…